I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
