so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
