oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
