literally had 100 drinks last night.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
