I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
