My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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