how can u be prego again
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
