i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
