Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
