Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
