Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
