Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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