I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
