I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
