I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
