Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
