Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
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But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
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THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize