I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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