I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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