im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize