Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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