Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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