i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Of course I have a pirate flag
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
