i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Floor bacon is actually really good
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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