I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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