just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
