Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
my liver is dry heaving
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