y did u give ur computer a hand job?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
