If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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