Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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