I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
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I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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