Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
