Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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