it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
