I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
