My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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