happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
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You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
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Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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