I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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