If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
