I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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