Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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