My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
