you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
