Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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