i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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