As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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