While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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