your room smells of hookers.
And success
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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