The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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