3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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