tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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