If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
