she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have aggressive nipples.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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