the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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