she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.