just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk