yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.