You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
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You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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