There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
