i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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