I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
