i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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