Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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